DS Louise Gardiner (AU) [Ashes To Ashes (BBC)] (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
doomed_copper) wrote2014-07-24 03:10 pm
doomed_copper) wrote2014-07-24 03:10 pm
Addendum to City of Sin application.
Louise's self-esteem/worth in the past (both in canon and within BN) was very much wrapped up in how others viewed her, and, worsening things, because of how she was treated by the Stafford father and son during her undercover mission, she suffered from extreme duality in how she then treated herself. Even though it wasn't her fault that the mission went south, she saw an inherent weakness in herself that she despised. This weakness was further capitalized on in BN in her dealings with Erik Lehnsherr, who took any opportunity to expose her for what she truly was and nail her for it, leaving her to uselessly defend herself in a tirade of words.
To expand on this more, in her canon episode, the father, Terry Stafford, was kind and loving to her as well as protective, and she was drawn to it as some hidden part of her felt she deserved to be treated well----perhaps she had a relationship in her past with another male that was positive, probably her father, before his death.
However, on the other hand, the sadistic son, Daniel, tapped into her negative feelings of self-worth, no doubt encouraged by her unchecked depression during that period, and this is evidenced in the destructive tendencies she displayed in the episode. Of course, the physical/mental abuse she suffered at his hands attacked her self-image; she felt that her body betrayed her in more ways than one. One, because she couldn't defend herself properly on her own (something she continued to blame herself for even when presented with the knowledge that any officer would need backup in these situations), and two, for even having been a WOMAN. She felt that her very physicality lent itself, at least partially, to being seen as prey--yet another "weakness" she perceived about herself. This is why, after she arrived in BN, she very nearly overplayed her hand as a police officer in the BNPD, shoving vestiges of strength in her speech on the Network, a feeble attempt at making herself sound formidable, when that was all but true.
The psychotic break/disillusionment she developed while undercover made her negative personality traits the worst they had ever been up to that point even while she maintained her sense of duty and accomplishment in seeing the undercover job through. She was a thoroughly broken human being when she arrived in BN, ironically a sex game. I threw her in there on purpose because her own sexual allure and nature was a constant source of confusion to her, as a good portion of her formative first months as a Detective Constable were defined by the Stafford job and how far she allowed her undercover assignment to go. This was evidenced during her time in BN when she and Erik were sparring over the treatment of Rip Van Winkle in the BN jail. Louise could clearly see that Rip was suffering from a form of Stockholm Syndrome under fellow officer Gilbert Beilschmidt (Prussia), and this hit a major nerve. Unwittingly, she began to feel sympathy for the small, Nazi woman, even as she knew Rip was evil. Erik was disgusted with Louise and wrote her off as damaged and bent. Thankfully, however, she came back to herself after Rip's death and realized she needed to pull herself up by her bootstraps, which she tried to do up until I had to end her time in game.
Another unfortunate personality trait that Louise has always had, which took her further down the rabbit hole of shame/discontent during her undercover assignment, has been her tendency to get involved with the wrong men,
(emotionally unavailable or otherwise), a trait that has led to her downfall and eventual demise in each of her lifetimes. In her first, ‘true’ lifetime, Louise became involved romantically and sexually with her Detective Inspector and superior officer. Although it was mostly not discussed around the station for professional reasons, it was an ‘understood’ matter among their colleagues. At first, her mother was overjoyed that Louise had finally found someone stable; the mere fact that they’d dated for a year was enough, as this was the longest relationship that Louise had ever been in to date. However, there was always something her mother didn’t quite ‘like’ about him, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. Louise would get exasperated any time her mother would mention anything, so she remained silent and consoled herself with the fact that she should just be happy Louise was even in a serious relationship. Ultimately, her fears were realized when Louise became suspicious that her partner was being unfaithful to her after his habits became irregular and he seemed to become somewhat distant. While he was in the shower one morning, she checked his mobile phone logs and discovered calls upon calls to another female officer in the department Louise was acquainted with. After a long confrontation, he admitted the affair and said he was in love with the other woman, thereby ending his relationship with Louise. That evening, she barricaded herself in her flat, a heavy bureau blocking her door, and overdosed on lorazepam, the Millennium New Year’s Eve broadcast on BBC1 playing on the TV screen behind her. The last sound Louise heard was the wailing of the fire lorry coming to attempt to rescue her outside her tower block, and this marked the first downfall, the first demise she would experience because of her weakness due to a man in her life.
In BN, she was romantically involved with only one person---Julian Reed, somewhat of a dissolute, and a tattoo artist in the City. Theirs was a relationship only built on lust and intoxication, with only a scant few actual "dates" where they could get past everything and try to actually get to know one another. It's not her fault; it's just unfortunately the way she was wired at the time---someone with her past is doomed to repeat history again and again, even if they themselves know they're in the wrong. However, she has, as I stated in her application, managed to have a few good relationships---and one PERFECT relationship---since her time in the City ended, thanks to different 'verses I've played her in, and I know that this reversal IS possible. In my opinion, in her hopeful return to the City, I think that it might take someone with as much baggage as she has to understand her, but also someone with the need to move past it. Louise would need this kind of "push", I think, in order to move forward--doing it within a partnership would be a safe place to explore it.
Going back to the brief mention of past depression in the third paragraph and expanding on that a little, Louise had/has a history of fighting depression, something she has controlled with medication. However, in her past, she never divulged this to her DCI (in either 1999 or 1983) as she was deeply afraid of any recrimination or stigma that might accompany it. More directly, she was concerned that prior knowledge of her mental condition by her superior officers might have led to her being passed over for cases or work she would be keen to be part of. During her time in BN, she continued this pattern of hiding her mental illness to Sheriff Raylan Givens, and later, to Erik Lehnsherr (with whom she worked before he became Chief), another instance of feigning strength to hide perceived "weakness". Even so, she had a very hard time hiding her mood changes while she was in the City and she often found herself retreating inwardly and becoming lost in her own thoughts in order to "protect" herself, once even not showing up to work for two weeks during the Rip Van Winkle trial because she couldn't hack it. She simply couldn't let the Department know she was suffering a relapse.
Moving forward in the friendship/relationship department, Louise had in BN, and continues to have, few friends and was/is known as somewhat of a loner, though she had been known for the odd night out with a few colleagues, most recently just with her DI at the end of a particularly rough week on the job. In the past, before she arrived in BN, she eschewed most social gatherings and spent her free time curled up on the sofa or in a cafe, absorbed in either a book or in people watching with her headphones. The problem is simply that she will always be permanently altered by her failed undercover stint---in canon, in her past in BN, and today; it's part of who she is. However, it is worth noting that the right people or person could help lessen its intensity---it's already happened in PSLs and memes--and bring out the very best in her. In her past, she was reticent to give herself away, and remains this way to some extent, but compassion from another has allowed her to open up little by little, and the potential for her to develop a lasting friendship exists now in her (hopeful) second run in the City. Let's get her some girlfriends! :)
To expand on this more, in her canon episode, the father, Terry Stafford, was kind and loving to her as well as protective, and she was drawn to it as some hidden part of her felt she deserved to be treated well----perhaps she had a relationship in her past with another male that was positive, probably her father, before his death.
However, on the other hand, the sadistic son, Daniel, tapped into her negative feelings of self-worth, no doubt encouraged by her unchecked depression during that period, and this is evidenced in the destructive tendencies she displayed in the episode. Of course, the physical/mental abuse she suffered at his hands attacked her self-image; she felt that her body betrayed her in more ways than one. One, because she couldn't defend herself properly on her own (something she continued to blame herself for even when presented with the knowledge that any officer would need backup in these situations), and two, for even having been a WOMAN. She felt that her very physicality lent itself, at least partially, to being seen as prey--yet another "weakness" she perceived about herself. This is why, after she arrived in BN, she very nearly overplayed her hand as a police officer in the BNPD, shoving vestiges of strength in her speech on the Network, a feeble attempt at making herself sound formidable, when that was all but true.
The psychotic break/disillusionment she developed while undercover made her negative personality traits the worst they had ever been up to that point even while she maintained her sense of duty and accomplishment in seeing the undercover job through. She was a thoroughly broken human being when she arrived in BN, ironically a sex game. I threw her in there on purpose because her own sexual allure and nature was a constant source of confusion to her, as a good portion of her formative first months as a Detective Constable were defined by the Stafford job and how far she allowed her undercover assignment to go. This was evidenced during her time in BN when she and Erik were sparring over the treatment of Rip Van Winkle in the BN jail. Louise could clearly see that Rip was suffering from a form of Stockholm Syndrome under fellow officer Gilbert Beilschmidt (Prussia), and this hit a major nerve. Unwittingly, she began to feel sympathy for the small, Nazi woman, even as she knew Rip was evil. Erik was disgusted with Louise and wrote her off as damaged and bent. Thankfully, however, she came back to herself after Rip's death and realized she needed to pull herself up by her bootstraps, which she tried to do up until I had to end her time in game.
Another unfortunate personality trait that Louise has always had, which took her further down the rabbit hole of shame/discontent during her undercover assignment, has been her tendency to get involved with the wrong men,
(emotionally unavailable or otherwise), a trait that has led to her downfall and eventual demise in each of her lifetimes. In her first, ‘true’ lifetime, Louise became involved romantically and sexually with her Detective Inspector and superior officer. Although it was mostly not discussed around the station for professional reasons, it was an ‘understood’ matter among their colleagues. At first, her mother was overjoyed that Louise had finally found someone stable; the mere fact that they’d dated for a year was enough, as this was the longest relationship that Louise had ever been in to date. However, there was always something her mother didn’t quite ‘like’ about him, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. Louise would get exasperated any time her mother would mention anything, so she remained silent and consoled herself with the fact that she should just be happy Louise was even in a serious relationship. Ultimately, her fears were realized when Louise became suspicious that her partner was being unfaithful to her after his habits became irregular and he seemed to become somewhat distant. While he was in the shower one morning, she checked his mobile phone logs and discovered calls upon calls to another female officer in the department Louise was acquainted with. After a long confrontation, he admitted the affair and said he was in love with the other woman, thereby ending his relationship with Louise. That evening, she barricaded herself in her flat, a heavy bureau blocking her door, and overdosed on lorazepam, the Millennium New Year’s Eve broadcast on BBC1 playing on the TV screen behind her. The last sound Louise heard was the wailing of the fire lorry coming to attempt to rescue her outside her tower block, and this marked the first downfall, the first demise she would experience because of her weakness due to a man in her life.
In BN, she was romantically involved with only one person---Julian Reed, somewhat of a dissolute, and a tattoo artist in the City. Theirs was a relationship only built on lust and intoxication, with only a scant few actual "dates" where they could get past everything and try to actually get to know one another. It's not her fault; it's just unfortunately the way she was wired at the time---someone with her past is doomed to repeat history again and again, even if they themselves know they're in the wrong. However, she has, as I stated in her application, managed to have a few good relationships---and one PERFECT relationship---since her time in the City ended, thanks to different 'verses I've played her in, and I know that this reversal IS possible. In my opinion, in her hopeful return to the City, I think that it might take someone with as much baggage as she has to understand her, but also someone with the need to move past it. Louise would need this kind of "push", I think, in order to move forward--doing it within a partnership would be a safe place to explore it.
Going back to the brief mention of past depression in the third paragraph and expanding on that a little, Louise had/has a history of fighting depression, something she has controlled with medication. However, in her past, she never divulged this to her DCI (in either 1999 or 1983) as she was deeply afraid of any recrimination or stigma that might accompany it. More directly, she was concerned that prior knowledge of her mental condition by her superior officers might have led to her being passed over for cases or work she would be keen to be part of. During her time in BN, she continued this pattern of hiding her mental illness to Sheriff Raylan Givens, and later, to Erik Lehnsherr (with whom she worked before he became Chief), another instance of feigning strength to hide perceived "weakness". Even so, she had a very hard time hiding her mood changes while she was in the City and she often found herself retreating inwardly and becoming lost in her own thoughts in order to "protect" herself, once even not showing up to work for two weeks during the Rip Van Winkle trial because she couldn't hack it. She simply couldn't let the Department know she was suffering a relapse.
Moving forward in the friendship/relationship department, Louise had in BN, and continues to have, few friends and was/is known as somewhat of a loner, though she had been known for the odd night out with a few colleagues, most recently just with her DI at the end of a particularly rough week on the job. In the past, before she arrived in BN, she eschewed most social gatherings and spent her free time curled up on the sofa or in a cafe, absorbed in either a book or in people watching with her headphones. The problem is simply that she will always be permanently altered by her failed undercover stint---in canon, in her past in BN, and today; it's part of who she is. However, it is worth noting that the right people or person could help lessen its intensity---it's already happened in PSLs and memes--and bring out the very best in her. In her past, she was reticent to give herself away, and remains this way to some extent, but compassion from another has allowed her to open up little by little, and the potential for her to develop a lasting friendship exists now in her (hopeful) second run in the City. Let's get her some girlfriends! :)